It has been a more difficult journey through this than I thought it would be. Another year has passed and I have not had a single entry. There has been allot of growth, allot of healing over the last year. Some tings are still sore and painful , but I believe God has given me the strength to soldier on. So I'm going to have to read over where I left off and try to pick up the thread. I think the biggest help has been the support group I am going to, I'm leading it. And the numerous discussions my wife and I have had. She has also helped me by her own growth. The encouragement from her has been great. She recently started a new group on face book and a blog called Three Strands Journey. There will be allot about me, her and our relationship. The ups and downs.
Anyway lets see if I'm as ready fro this as I think.
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Really struggling
I've been meaning to post here for, well 10 months. I've just really found it difficult to process the whole 'loosing my daughter" issue. I thought I was ok with it and find out now that I am not. This has been a really tough struggle. And I know that it is easier to ignore something than it is to deal withit. But in the long run I must deal with it, or I can't move on. So we'll see what I can do to soldier on through this over the next couple of days. Oh please God give me strength!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Where it started Pt2.
So now I had access to some really strong stuff. Little did I know that I would be drawn to far darker material later in life. At this point the "High" I was getting off this new material was more than enough. My self-gratification was also reach an all time high. Some days it was hourly. And as far as I knew this was not out of the ordinary. All my friends, privately, admitted to do it, so what could the harm be. In my mind this was all just preparation for getting a girlfriend. When that happened I wouldn't need to do it. Now that may have been the case if I wasn't revving my engine up so high, and it definitely would have been the case morally as I had no relationship with Christ.
This cycle went on year after year. In some ways I knew that it was wrong, but it felt so good. And who was it hurting. In reality it was hurting me! I didn't get a girl friend until I was 18. It didn't take long for us to start into sex. Now this was what I had been waiting for. I was sure that this would replace self-gratification completely. Boy was I wrong. Between experiencing "The Real Thing" and my magazines, of which now I had access to picking up my own. I was burning even hotter than before. I was a dog looking for a bone. So this relationship went on for a couple more years, until I found out that I wasn't enough for my girlfriend and she had been "busy" with a few other guys. I decided I would become like some of the guys I knew. Getting what I could from a girl, then dumping her. It was all about trying to quench the fire now. No love, just lust. No relationship, just sex. No romance, just the fastest moves that would allow me to get into a girls pants. God, of course, had other plans.
The next girl that I met and started to date, would eventually become my wife. Now to begin with I just wanted to get her pants off. I played it cool. She was interested in me, I was interested in her, but not in the same way. We had coffee, out with mutual friends. I would ride my bike, yes bike, home and would ride with her as her place was on my way. We talked, and talked, and talked. She was very interesting. We kissed and she was VERY good at that. We touched... and the fire burned hot. It wasn't long and I had been able to save for a car, so now we could drive to coffee and park when we came back. Cars and sex seem to go hand in hand with young people who burn without knowing the Lord.
Coffee, talking then sex, became the new order of business. Self-gratification and magazines still played a large part of my life. There seemed to be no issues with any of it. God was being very patient with me, and keeping me from getting either of these two girlfriends from getting pregnant. Thinking back on it, I can't believe how stupid I was.
Well eventually my wife needed to move out of her mom's house. Her father had passed away and things were a little out of control there. It didn't take long for us to move in together, my parents house was starting to suffocate me, and she couldn't afford anything decent.
Now playing house when you are young and burning may seem like a good thing, but I now understand how it robbed us of a great deal of intimacy in our, later, marriage. Life went on!
We were together several years, still childless (thank you god), and Tanis just asked me one day when I was going to marry her. I hadn't even thought about marriage. I was getting regular sex, had a place to sleep, eat and find entertainment. My magazines were mostly tame ones, the others were stashed were Tanis couldn't find them. And when needed could be brought to the bathroom to deal with any issues as they "Arose".
Now Tanis knew about the tame ones, and she really didn’t think it was as big of an issue as it was. She didn’t see me looking at the playboys. She never once caught me self –gratifying. So to her it wasn’t a big deal. May be if we had dealt with it then it wouldn’t have caused the problems it did later. (That is later part of the story)
Now to me getting married should not have changed our lives much, but it really did. Tanis got pregnant within the first couple of months, our sex life started to slow down, and life became stagnant. It wasn’t long after Stephanie, our first daughter, was born that Tanis recommitted herself to God. She had grown up with a strong Christian father, a man that later in life I would strive to become like. So this reconnection was new, and our sex life suffered for it. In talking about it later on, Tanis admitted that she had always felt guilty about having sex outside of marriage, but until she reconnected with God, she hadn’t cared. All I knew was that I was pissed off. How could she do this to me, didn’t she know how hot the fires in me burned? Didn’t she understand what she was making me do? It was like being a teenager again. Little to no sex, lots of magazine “reading”, lots of taking care of MY needs. I was sure that when we found out Tanis was pregnant again that things were going to get worse. And I was both right and wrong. God was about to give me a wake up call!
This cycle went on year after year. In some ways I knew that it was wrong, but it felt so good. And who was it hurting. In reality it was hurting me! I didn't get a girl friend until I was 18. It didn't take long for us to start into sex. Now this was what I had been waiting for. I was sure that this would replace self-gratification completely. Boy was I wrong. Between experiencing "The Real Thing" and my magazines, of which now I had access to picking up my own. I was burning even hotter than before. I was a dog looking for a bone. So this relationship went on for a couple more years, until I found out that I wasn't enough for my girlfriend and she had been "busy" with a few other guys. I decided I would become like some of the guys I knew. Getting what I could from a girl, then dumping her. It was all about trying to quench the fire now. No love, just lust. No relationship, just sex. No romance, just the fastest moves that would allow me to get into a girls pants. God, of course, had other plans.
The next girl that I met and started to date, would eventually become my wife. Now to begin with I just wanted to get her pants off. I played it cool. She was interested in me, I was interested in her, but not in the same way. We had coffee, out with mutual friends. I would ride my bike, yes bike, home and would ride with her as her place was on my way. We talked, and talked, and talked. She was very interesting. We kissed and she was VERY good at that. We touched... and the fire burned hot. It wasn't long and I had been able to save for a car, so now we could drive to coffee and park when we came back. Cars and sex seem to go hand in hand with young people who burn without knowing the Lord.
Coffee, talking then sex, became the new order of business. Self-gratification and magazines still played a large part of my life. There seemed to be no issues with any of it. God was being very patient with me, and keeping me from getting either of these two girlfriends from getting pregnant. Thinking back on it, I can't believe how stupid I was.
Well eventually my wife needed to move out of her mom's house. Her father had passed away and things were a little out of control there. It didn't take long for us to move in together, my parents house was starting to suffocate me, and she couldn't afford anything decent.
Now playing house when you are young and burning may seem like a good thing, but I now understand how it robbed us of a great deal of intimacy in our, later, marriage. Life went on!
We were together several years, still childless (thank you god), and Tanis just asked me one day when I was going to marry her. I hadn't even thought about marriage. I was getting regular sex, had a place to sleep, eat and find entertainment. My magazines were mostly tame ones, the others were stashed were Tanis couldn't find them. And when needed could be brought to the bathroom to deal with any issues as they "Arose".
Now Tanis knew about the tame ones, and she really didn’t think it was as big of an issue as it was. She didn’t see me looking at the playboys. She never once caught me self –gratifying. So to her it wasn’t a big deal. May be if we had dealt with it then it wouldn’t have caused the problems it did later. (That is later part of the story)
Now to me getting married should not have changed our lives much, but it really did. Tanis got pregnant within the first couple of months, our sex life started to slow down, and life became stagnant. It wasn’t long after Stephanie, our first daughter, was born that Tanis recommitted herself to God. She had grown up with a strong Christian father, a man that later in life I would strive to become like. So this reconnection was new, and our sex life suffered for it. In talking about it later on, Tanis admitted that she had always felt guilty about having sex outside of marriage, but until she reconnected with God, she hadn’t cared. All I knew was that I was pissed off. How could she do this to me, didn’t she know how hot the fires in me burned? Didn’t she understand what she was making me do? It was like being a teenager again. Little to no sex, lots of magazine “reading”, lots of taking care of MY needs. I was sure that when we found out Tanis was pregnant again that things were going to get worse. And I was both right and wrong. God was about to give me a wake up call!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Where it started
This will be a cronical of my experience with the support group "The Journey". A bunch of guys coming together to support each other and deal with purity issues and Habitual Sin, while navigating a fallen world.
I've taken many steps in this battle against my pornography fueled habitual sin and I guess that this is another step that I need to take on my personal "Journey". It all came to a head about 5 years ago. But let me start a little earlier than that.
I grew up in a fairly normal home; normal is so subjective a term. But it was my kind of normal. I had loving parents, who after having three kids before me were a little inattentive. But I always knew that they loved me. I remember the first day I found "IT", my first porno magazine. It was at my uncle’s house, my aunt didn't care what he had in "his" bathroom in the basement and he had quite a large collection of magazines. I was about 8 at the time. I've since found that this is a very young age to get into porn, or at least it use to be. My uncle’s basement bathroom became one of my favorite places. As I grew older and the normal changes started these magazines became more and more important to me. I got to a point where I couldn't wait to go to my uncles house. Radical steps needed to be taken to get my fix, and were the very next time I went there.
Just before leaving for the night, I insisted that I needed to go to the bathroom. No, I couldn't wait till we got home. And so I was allowed. I found that two magazines would fit nicely in the thigh area of my jeans and my jacket would cover most of the bump. I now had my own magazines at my disposal any time I needed. And oh did I need them. The burning inside was very strong.
I continued on this way for several years, pinching just enough magazines to keep me happy but not enough to get my uncle suspicious. When I was about 13-14 years old, I had found that these were no longer doing it for me. I needed something stronger. Now there were two dilemmas. What to do with the old magazines and how to get access to some new stronger ones?
Well the first question was answered by my friends. They had always been envious of my “Collection” and I decided that I could kill two birds with one stone. I began selling the old magazines, at a reduced price of course, to my friends. I had a great locker at school for this. It had a raised bottom that actually hinged up. It wasn’t supposed to but as it was very loose it took no time to “adjust it”. This became my stash place. I had way too many to keep them all at home. So stuffed into large brown envelopes was my stock. I’d sell a magazine for $5. A really good deal, especially for guys that wouldn’t be able to buy them otherwise. Now there came a little wrinkle. Many of these guys had mothers that would clean there rooms, and had very few if any places they could hide these magazines. So usually after a couple of days they would come back envelope in hand asking for their money back. Now being the business man I was, I had a no refund policy. It was yours once you bought it. But being the good friend I was (LOL) I was willing to buy it back from them, at a reduced price. That price was $2. This cause a few incidents but since they’re only other choice was to throw it away, they usually sold it back to me. I of course would then sell it to someone else for $5. It kept me in chocolate bars and coke for 2 years.
Now this only solved the first problem, what to do with the old magazines. But it didn’t solve the other, how to get stronger stuff. Even as big as I was at 13, there was no way an adult was going to sell me any magazines. The solution was a lot closer than I had ever imagined. It was in my own basement.
You see my father had his own stash. Now I knew about the one under his bed and so did my mother. But those ones were like the ones my uncle had. To tame for my tastes. No the stronger stuff was hidden in our basement, which I found had many great hiding places. It was into one of these spots that I found the really exotic stuff, no longer was it just artfully posed women, but now couples, involved couples, and action shots. My fire burned very high and very hot.
I've taken many steps in this battle against my pornography fueled habitual sin and I guess that this is another step that I need to take on my personal "Journey". It all came to a head about 5 years ago. But let me start a little earlier than that.
I grew up in a fairly normal home; normal is so subjective a term. But it was my kind of normal. I had loving parents, who after having three kids before me were a little inattentive. But I always knew that they loved me. I remember the first day I found "IT", my first porno magazine. It was at my uncle’s house, my aunt didn't care what he had in "his" bathroom in the basement and he had quite a large collection of magazines. I was about 8 at the time. I've since found that this is a very young age to get into porn, or at least it use to be. My uncle’s basement bathroom became one of my favorite places. As I grew older and the normal changes started these magazines became more and more important to me. I got to a point where I couldn't wait to go to my uncles house. Radical steps needed to be taken to get my fix, and were the very next time I went there.
Just before leaving for the night, I insisted that I needed to go to the bathroom. No, I couldn't wait till we got home. And so I was allowed. I found that two magazines would fit nicely in the thigh area of my jeans and my jacket would cover most of the bump. I now had my own magazines at my disposal any time I needed. And oh did I need them. The burning inside was very strong.
I continued on this way for several years, pinching just enough magazines to keep me happy but not enough to get my uncle suspicious. When I was about 13-14 years old, I had found that these were no longer doing it for me. I needed something stronger. Now there were two dilemmas. What to do with the old magazines and how to get access to some new stronger ones?
Well the first question was answered by my friends. They had always been envious of my “Collection” and I decided that I could kill two birds with one stone. I began selling the old magazines, at a reduced price of course, to my friends. I had a great locker at school for this. It had a raised bottom that actually hinged up. It wasn’t supposed to but as it was very loose it took no time to “adjust it”. This became my stash place. I had way too many to keep them all at home. So stuffed into large brown envelopes was my stock. I’d sell a magazine for $5. A really good deal, especially for guys that wouldn’t be able to buy them otherwise. Now there came a little wrinkle. Many of these guys had mothers that would clean there rooms, and had very few if any places they could hide these magazines. So usually after a couple of days they would come back envelope in hand asking for their money back. Now being the business man I was, I had a no refund policy. It was yours once you bought it. But being the good friend I was (LOL) I was willing to buy it back from them, at a reduced price. That price was $2. This cause a few incidents but since they’re only other choice was to throw it away, they usually sold it back to me. I of course would then sell it to someone else for $5. It kept me in chocolate bars and coke for 2 years.
Now this only solved the first problem, what to do with the old magazines. But it didn’t solve the other, how to get stronger stuff. Even as big as I was at 13, there was no way an adult was going to sell me any magazines. The solution was a lot closer than I had ever imagined. It was in my own basement.
You see my father had his own stash. Now I knew about the one under his bed and so did my mother. But those ones were like the ones my uncle had. To tame for my tastes. No the stronger stuff was hidden in our basement, which I found had many great hiding places. It was into one of these spots that I found the really exotic stuff, no longer was it just artfully posed women, but now couples, involved couples, and action shots. My fire burned very high and very hot.
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